It's embarrassing. to get to it. To where your answers are-- all of your thoughts are just your pessimistic imaginational bullshit excuses for being lazy. The pursuit of happiness becomes a forceful chase and you start to feel disgusting because some fool inside of you feeds you bullshit-and baby, you are what you eat. that chase sinks in like a habit and you're fucked. you just gouged out your eyes, so now youre blind. Good luck with thinking clearly now. And then...still, you go on to cry one last time about how you want to crawl under a rock. coward. But grow a back bone and be a woman for christ sakes-- Pick up your dignity that you've been chiseling away at, and back there--you dropped your grace when someone tossed you a cheap idea. --dedicate yourself to this: Never give yourself up for your elaborate dreams.

I've had difficulty concentrating on the present...<

 The animals, the trees, even the objects without a pulse that have been created from our own chaotic minds-they're all here presently-being. Growing or wearing. The tree across the street is the same as the one I smell beside me. It's the same as the bird I just watched shit on my car, the same as the other birds that shit on everyones same car. The house of the porch I'm sitting on is the same as the house across the street. They're all doing the same thing. The only thing at variance is time. The present perspective is unparalleled. Now I've got to concentrate to stop thinking about this any deeper before I hit that boundary line into the past.

buck up.

something hit me.
breathing in.
breathing out.
enough oxygen to keep you high for a moment

they told me
and i thought... whats next?
back at one. find that strength fast.

-

I started asking myself what the difference between a state of mind and an emotion is. I searched it through and through on the internet--I also asked a lot of people.

No one answered in a way that filled the void.

so I tried to simplify a more specific question for them, supposing i could use this as a clue to find the answer instead of boldly asking for the answer no one was giving me
"if I'm irritated, is it a state of mind or an emotion?"
everyone hesitated...and answered differently.
I wasn't satisfied.
I went to aunt patty. instead, she does not answer. she leads me to my own because she knows its the only answer i'll accept.

and onward I thought,
Could a state of mind be an emotion? Futhermore, ---it seems that an emotion is only an emotion until you become aware of it. once you become aware, you can take control of it- making it a state of mind.

"listen to youself. "

something was missing...
because theres something...I dont understand...

I dont know...
I just...


what.

whats the difference...

how do you tell the difference between a thought and a feeling?
how do you know which is which?

and i am so lost over this.

she keeps telling me to have faith in myself.
but I don't know how to do this
she tells me to take advantage of the free will God gave to me and trust in myself for once.
Goal #3...the goal I was searching for when I made #2.

"mom,play that one song" lol

It could be sweet.

Portishead<3

I have a hard time when time comes to differentiate between the trouble-maker.

sometimes i blame you,sometimes i blame me... its kind of arbitrary

but i want to make all right

when the night is spinning into a cold damp gloom

i dont want to be comfortable there
but i want to be comfortable