fear.

He thinks I am resilient. He says if I have the ability to make him resilient, then I myself must be so.

I have hoped so.


but I do not believe so.

Sachiko.

she was in the kitchen
with gohan and tea
me, in the backyard-climbing
you, silent,swaying from the tree's swing
two feelings which were
buoyant
through thin air
dinner floated to us
then in a small rush
i looked down
while you looked up
i shook a branch
and spilt a leaf
drifting to you,i watched it recede
and its subtlety
i could not understand until a year ago


where you are
light is never gone
even in the night
water glistens everywhere

last spring, I started reading "Perfectly Yourself : 9 lessons for enduring happiness"




















Normally I toss self-help books to the side as I roll my eyes because I just feel oh too superior to be reading one. But after a long conversation with my aunt and a few tears of frustration due to my desire of clarity and a couple "I don't know how to be happy"'s... it just seemed like (forgive me) a sign when this book laid atop a pile of my Aunt's books when I opened the forgotten closet hidden behind my dresser. So I started reading it and to my surprise, Frank Kelly convinced me that he knew exactly how I was feeling and his cures seemed too pure and good to be just a treatment. By mid-afternoon the next day I had made it to Lesson 6. I was so filled with inspiration and motivation to begin practicing the lessons that I put the book down to start. I forgot the book. Last night-I picked it up again and finally made it to Lesson 9, followed by a review of all the lessons where I found... I have come a long way since last spring. Of course, I've yet to find my own happiness but this book taught me a lot. Mostly it taught me to be patient and not to worry. Still is teaching me to accept myself. Which has too much to do with happiness, feeling at home within myself.


And while I'm recommending things, ughh, please pick up a bottle of Giovanni's Tea Tree Triple Treat shampoo and conditioner. It's costs more than your usual--but it truly feels like its washing all your troubles out of your mind. It.is.just. so relieving.



















________
I recieved a message today.Followed by a phone call.



I just wanted to say that. I'm not really going to say anything about either.


___

-

You can't very well get anywhere without a destination.

As if you could kill time without injuring eternity.

Snow had fallen last night and I am the girl that gets a little uplifted inside every year.





Though it is always expected, the change does have some sense of spontaneity-that is probably what I enjoy most.

Flowers

I went to the grocery store today but I didn't have enough money to make it through checkout>>> which is still a slight surprise.though, aware of how terrible i am with keeping track of my account, it should not be>>

.I became flushed for a moment.
Upon leaving the store, I only could feel disappointment.

I've been trying to practice humility as often as I get the chance. I realize that it is my insecurities that have immobilized me so.

This was more than humility. It's place was reserved as it would be but- it played a smaller part in this scene. This was so beyond one virtue.

I never want that. I don't ever want to not make it through checkout because I don't have enough money for food. This is what I'm talking about. The things I thought I already knew until it hits me in the face.

I see the real goals are coming.

Pele speaks "Righteous", Sister Zina says "Funky"

Waking up is the hardest part but by the time I get down the stairs, I rediscover my appetite to eat my breakfast.




baby steps till I get there...

I danced today.

goal1...still.

What was goal1?
err. to make all of the goals?

I need to shed it all right now. Leave it at the starting line because it's a lot to carry... and I know it won't come out right but this is the last of it.





____________________________

I want you to know that I understand.



I am scared to say the least. I'm so afraid and I know you already let go. I know you have a head start while I just tripped on my first step. and its like, I'm expecting you to come pick me up while I lay on my side with my hand reaching out to you and my head tilted up but you aren't going to come. I have to get up and do this on my own like you.
In the end, I know it's going to be okay. I have faith in you and I have faith in me too.
I love you. I only want you to remember that always. I only want to remember that you love me too.




I could go on forever.I know I have to stop

goal1.

I'm rambling on in a blog but I am speaking to no one

no one to respond
to tell me I'm wrong.
no one to call me an immature moron who uses way too many cliches.
no one to show me there are more than just cliches
no one to teach me the right ways.or
rather to teach me that there is no right way- someone to teach me that nothing matters
It seems I already know that,eh
but I don't. I like to say I know a lot of things because I know it's what I'm supposed to know. But I know absolutely nothing. I know nothing at all.


I truly believe at this moment in time and perhaps all previous...I am a complete fucking idiot.

but there is a lot of potential.



____________________________
help me.
///How do i take down the walls///

oh look, a cliche
really. is anyone out there? I'm talking about a hard structure with layers and layers and layers and endless layers
Have you built and destroyed a wall?



I think I see a small flaw in my wall. a very small crack. the smallest. tiniest little hole in the wall


so is this is?

Bus stop;throwing stones.

The first is my favorite. I love driving by the Amish kids when they're out playing. I just have a really hard time shooting them without them seeing because they're so observant. Definitely used the wrong lens-still learning. Zoom in to actually see the photos.

The boys playing ball

==ill.

Aside from having a terrible cold all week,



It's not so much everyone elses irritation with me as it is being a nuisance to myself.

 My verbal explanations  of my emotions never does them any justice. The frustration from the lack of my ability to communicate sufficiently makes it even worse.