-

I started asking myself what the difference between a state of mind and an emotion is. I searched it through and through on the internet--I also asked a lot of people.

No one answered in a way that filled the void.

so I tried to simplify a more specific question for them, supposing i could use this as a clue to find the answer instead of boldly asking for the answer no one was giving me
"if I'm irritated, is it a state of mind or an emotion?"
everyone hesitated...and answered differently.
I wasn't satisfied.
I went to aunt patty. instead, she does not answer. she leads me to my own because she knows its the only answer i'll accept.

and onward I thought,
Could a state of mind be an emotion? Futhermore, ---it seems that an emotion is only an emotion until you become aware of it. once you become aware, you can take control of it- making it a state of mind.

"listen to youself. "

something was missing...
because theres something...I dont understand...

I dont know...
I just...


what.

whats the difference...

how do you tell the difference between a thought and a feeling?
how do you know which is which?

and i am so lost over this.

she keeps telling me to have faith in myself.
but I don't know how to do this
she tells me to take advantage of the free will God gave to me and trust in myself for once.
Goal #3...the goal I was searching for when I made #2.

"mom,play that one song" lol

It could be sweet.

Portishead<3

I have a hard time when time comes to differentiate between the trouble-maker.

sometimes i blame you,sometimes i blame me... its kind of arbitrary

but i want to make all right

when the night is spinning into a cold damp gloom

i dont want to be comfortable there
but i want to be comfortable

or something

trying to haul ass out of the rut

but deprivation of truth is always weighing me down

Goal 2?

Bravery.

summers coming,suns coming out--time to rethink and rearrange myself

i rarely put my gloves on-let alone know i'm walking into the ring.

 its just the worse of me
needing the best of you

i think i'm having an epiphany
but tomorrow it'll kill me
and i'll drown


 myself
don't throw me anything


i'll think (you're not going to help me?)


don't do it.
i'll do it,just let me do it,
i can do it on my own

cosmic love,f+tm

Music is always there for me.

A favorite sonnet

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution's power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Another goal.

Take yourself out of the equation.

transition to stone

I don't want you to react if I begin

to be honest with myself.
I just want to be
without acknowledging the drastic difference
between me and my accidental act
i don't want to feel the change

of humming to myself
to singing out loud
i want it to go unnoticed
so i can allow it
with you

I'm hooked.


reeled up
and


drowning?

speakup/

I am wondering.as i only ever do,never coming to a conclusive thought
and even then will it just take a moment before manifested that i am thus mid-way through the pool of wondering still.



________________________________________:)









and I've found that
*******************
the simplicity of love
makes me high
*******************









if nothing else.

I want to sleep.

Rilke

beautiful piece;

"Again and again, however we know the landscape of love
and the little churchyard there, with its sorrowing names,
and the frighteningly silent abyss into which the others
fall: again and again the two of us walk out together
under the ancient trees, lie down again and again
among the flowers, face to face with the sky."

a day at the lake

...

Expressing myself lately has been
short walks through hell.

I can't utilize my head/ and I forget.or I do not know.
becoming less and less knowing- or it is my mind, debasing itself.




___________
Why am I reclusive and depressed.
___________


...

but
 When my strength is not wavering back and forth, i feel the heat from it. I like myself on those days/.


It's gnawing at me inside.


Above, I've provided the smallest bit of warmth.

or in hopes that you will find some delight in the photograph.either suffice.