When you are gone
Not every day is peaceful
My progress stagnates just like yours
consequentially, my emotions go haywire
or worse
numb
Our actions
acted with less intentions
Our thoughts
unknowing
cluttered and crashed
My heart, suffocated
When your eyes are dilated
you just sleep.

I only dream of mornings by your side

while you crush everything

why cant you ever see the color that you black out of your life?

Open the window

I've felt different...

I kept stopping every once in a while- right after my shower, smoking a cigarette, before I laid my head down. I thought about what he feels, how much pain digs into the darkness inside of him, cementing itself... I thought about if he was too lost off of something to even feel it. I would push that thought out. I wanted to kiss his neck and fall asleep on his chest, legs intertwined, waking up suffocated and breaking loose, falling asleep agitated, waking up again and crawling back into the same spot I was suffocated in. Like we always have. To know he was safe. Then more thoughts would come, they would make me sick so I'd tell myself to revise them. I couldn't. (I never saw, I would have pulled him up if I would have seen. I could swear to him I wouldn't have let him sink. I would have done something. I know I could have, I could have.) "stop doing this to yourself". So I'd alter them. Where ever he was, I'd want him to be happy so I'd pray for him to get better, to get up and walk. I didn't care if he was walking away from me, I just wanted him to walk. All of that is besides the point. This entry is besides the point.

----> .

Anyway (inhale)
....
...
....
..
....(exhale)

I can breathe again.
I just don't want to get a call from his family and hear that he's not.
I'm scared. to say the least.

;;

I have a friend that helps me. with myself. I only see him on occasion. I don't think I'll see him ever again though.

I always want to thank him, call him up and talk to him. Weird. that I never did. that I won't. that I want to so badly. He was different. I don't usually feel the presence of a person,because they usually aren't there. A lot of people don't say very much when they speak. He does. I probably simmered down the loneliness he feels for a few hours until he would get that feeling that he had to go, because something else was going on in the world. and it was. understandable. It's probably weird that I'm writing this as well. I don't feel weird though. I just would like to tell him thank you, or something... anything. Yea, anything. I miss him-- a lot, to be honest. Which is something I never was with him. or myself.

I was lost for a long time and still am. more confused when he would pick me up because he always asked questions that I was still trying to answer myself. I didn't know what was true.  He was always real though. Taught me a lot in short, one-sided conversations.

I miss him. Amazing person. Hope all is well with him.